“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
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90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
You reach a certain age and you don’t look pensive anymore, you look like you need an ambulance
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Can’t, going through the work email I just wrote with a fine tooth comb to eliminate all traces of sarcasm, opinionation, and existential despair.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
My daily affirmation
I like how all these people are acting like they’ve never seen a naked 37 year old man fight 3 security guards at a mall food court before.