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Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
One day you’re young and the next you’re standing at the kitchen window staring menacingly at your neighbors.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.
Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.
The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!
WHY?