WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens