Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
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Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
every. time.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.