I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
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I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
Mood.. 😂
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes