Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
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Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
How about daylight saves us for once
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
reminder
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
Meanwhile, at School:
Teacher- “How much is a gram?”
Laure- “Depends on what you want”
Teacher- “Out, just get out”
#YouOwnedHimDude
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
giddy up Office Depot