If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Kids don’t scare me cause their little arms aren’t strong enough to swing a chainsaw.
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring