This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
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Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
“Can we go outside and play now?”
“Soon, boy.”
“You said that ten minutes ago.”
“As soon as I finish my cof-“
“Oops.”
“You did that on purpose.”
“It slipped.”
“I’ll get my coat.”
“Excellent.”
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[coffee shop]
ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]
CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?
ME: No it’s a flyer
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
What if you told a joke on stage then left. Then every few minutes for the next hour you peek out the curtain to see if anyone new is laughing at your joke. That’d be crazy right? That’s Twitter.
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”