“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
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The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
canadian assassins are called killergrams
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Practicing safe sax
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.