I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
much to think about
Banking tips
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.