I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
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Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
Love it! 👍😂
If God sent a flood to wipe out humans for being perverts what kinda nasty shit were the dinos into?
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*