[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
If I ever get a dog I’m going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”