“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
You Might Also Like
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Breaking news:
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what