and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
You Might Also Like
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
People keep accusing me of using the wrong words in my sentences.
It’s like everyone in my life has turned into a grandma nazi.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
The extreme internal pressure from my intelligence is forcing my hair follicles to fall out …. No one believes me
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all