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People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.