Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?
me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
this could fix me
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
Nothing brings neighbors together like a few cops cars in front of another neighbor’s house that no one likes.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.