When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
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*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
that’s exactly what a van without puppies would say
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
I wasn’t planning on moving, but I was just invited to the neighborhood fall potluck, so I guess now I have no choice.
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
[starts to leave the theater when the title appears on-screen]
date: no, Get Out is the name of the movie
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
meow
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
It’ll never work, we have very different definitions of words like talented, celebrity, amazing and intelligent.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time