I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
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SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Me when my alarm goes off
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
*seductively eats two tums*
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME