Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both
me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
periods should last only 15 mins. like thanks for letting me know im not pregnant, now you can leave the doors that way.