HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
“Why are people so willing to believe unscientific nonsense?” ask the editors of newspapers that publish horoscopes.
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️