Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
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*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
Morning my dudes.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
[getting ready for plans I shouldn’t have made]
ME: *standing in shower opening and closing shower curtain* here, killer killer killer
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.