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Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice