Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
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classic mixup
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-