“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
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Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My first sexual experience occurred in the early 1800s when I was erotically swallowed by a whale.
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
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5
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9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.