Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
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Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
The smoothest fall of all time
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
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Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?