It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
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white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?
Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
When you have to marry your mother-in-law