No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
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I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
It tastes nothing like bourbon btw
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*