The Person Who Discovered Sharks
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[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
I’m only two people away from having a love triangle.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.