Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
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I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.
Not to be too edgy, but chocolate is now on average slightly too salty! It’s a nice change of pace, but not all candy needs to be seasoned like french fries!
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I feel seen.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.