I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
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I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
me hooking up with my ex
October 31st, 2187: Sugar is now illegal. Parents search their kid’s Halloween bags to make sure the razor blades don’t have candy in them.
Me: What do you want to do tonight?
Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —
Me: *already asleep*
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours