Me when someone tries to get to know me
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My wife used to make meals that would make Martha Stewart jealous. Then she joined Twitter…
Now I’m lucky if she buys cereal.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Marty McFly: *plays Nickelback*
Guess you guys aren’t ready for that yet but your kids are gonna love it.
*returns to the present to find a world without children*
boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*