[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
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I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
robber: empty the register, no funny business
joke store owner: oh no
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
when nothing goes right… go left
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants