An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
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Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
My brain knows that there’s a guy doing work on my roof today, but my nervous system keeps acting like the house is under attack.
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
Them: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.