me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
You Might Also Like
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me trying to look natural in photos
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you