90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
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This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
tinder is all about the long game
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?