Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
You Might Also Like
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.