me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
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Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
wtf is a larm clock?
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.