Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
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The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird