I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
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I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Did you just pronounce “etc.” as “eg-sed-ra”, sir?
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
LMAO
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
lot going on here, legally speaking.