[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
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[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀