Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
I’ve seen or heard about Batman’s parents’ death so many times I feel like an accessory to murder for not going to the authorities.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.