Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
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*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
j o i m p
If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
My therapist after every session
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.