So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
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I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
I’m watching two crows fight over a toothbrush. Crows don’t even have teeth, it’s just capitalism making them want things they don’t need
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
you want me to sit in the back seat? the thing that killed JFK?
me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Everyone always jokes that women are obsessed with shoes but my female friends aren’t the ones posting 6 sneaker insta pics a week
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all