Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
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[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship