it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
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There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
Sorry I ruined our sexy video chat by repeating, “come and play with us, Danny” in my creepy twins-from-The-Shining voice.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.