If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game