[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
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I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.