a thing that’s important in friendship is seeing something weird, taking a picture of it, then sending it to them and saying “that’s you”
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Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…