Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
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I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
I can’t stop watching this.
My kid: No, I have no idea where I left the remote 37 seconds ago.
Also my kid: Remember that time last year when you promised to take me to the playground but it rained, so we didn’t go because you never let me do anything?
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
*serious situation*
My brain:
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*