Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
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Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
If I get bit by a vampire at this age, I’m going to be furious.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Every day I go to work and draw a little tick on everyone who didn’t say goodbye to me the day before.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”